A letter to the London Observer from Monty Python's Terry Jones...
Letter to the Observer
Sunday January 26, 2003
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am
I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with
Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop.
They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr
Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far
I haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what
he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden.
That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask
me how I know, I just know - from very good sources -
that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us
off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why
don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say
that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and
wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be
finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be
secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to
keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has
made it clear that all I need to do is run out of
patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way
to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting
the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries
that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and
kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll
teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and
stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has
weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain
I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children
as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the
world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue
states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term
aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's
committed an act of terror. What about would-be
terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of
the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly
be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to
fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do
would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel
are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of
other people in the street who I don't like and who -
quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife
says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm
simply using the same logic as the President of the
United States. That shuts her up.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's
a good enough reason for the President, it's good
enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two
weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand
over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely
and say 'Thank you', I'm
going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing
- and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy
will destroy only one street.